I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
