I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
