I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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