If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
