you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
