good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
