dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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