Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
