im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
