i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
