he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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