Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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