I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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