whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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