One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
