I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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