about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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