Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
