at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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