Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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