I am spending my child support on dildos
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
