If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
