I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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