Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
