I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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