We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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