when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and she was petting her beer can
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
