I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
