just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
