My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
