dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
