My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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