I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
