Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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