omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
