he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
