Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
