What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
