I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
