so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
