If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
