dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
