Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
