Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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