its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
