I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
