You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
