I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
