apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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