Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
