i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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