She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
